I’m tired of this I am absolutely tired of this. It’s like I’m bending over backwards for the one thing I want and the farther I bend the more painful it becomes and I can’t take this much longer and I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m worth it I know I am worth but it’s getting to be really hard to fight for myself because that’s what I’ve been doing for so long and you would think by now it would be a piece of cake but it’s not. It’s really hard and I’m tired of fighting alone I want someone to fight with. Because isn’t that what it’s all supposed to be about? Isn’t it about finding someone in this messed up world who makes the world not seem so messed up? Isn’t it about finding someone who you can be with for day on end and not get tired of? I’m tired of trying and making an effort and not getting anything in return. I’m tired of hoping and believing that I can actually get this but not. I’m tired of hurting and crying all the time and being miserable and sad and putting on a smile for everyone because I have to. I’m tired of watching movies and television shows and crying because they are happier than I am and I can’t help but envy them. I don’t know what else to say. I’m a girl who works at McDonald’s who fucked up her education who still in a way has no idea what she wants to do with her life and yet there are people who are way worse off than I am who still find that someone…I just don’t get it. Maybe I don’t deserve it. But can you blame me for trying to find out? Since no one will tell me whether or not I deserve it I’m forced to try to find out on my own and since nothing has happened and no one has appeared maybe I’m not supposed to find it. Maybe I don’t deserve it. But then what the hell am I doing here? Because isn’t that what life is pretty much about finding that someone or something? I don’t think for me it’s a something because I would think by now it would’ve found me. And that’s all that I want more than anything is to be found by someone or something.
I really wish him the best because he deserves it. And I hope we at least stay in touch.
Dear God,
I pick him. That is all. I am not giving up on him because I have invested too much time and energy and he has yet to hurt me although I do need to discuss where I stand with him because it would be nice to know now. I’m not sitting here saying that he and I need to get married or that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. What I’m saying is I want to spend now with him. I want him in my life and I want that and God I think that I deserve that for once in my life. Because you know what I am a good person I do nothing without the best intentions and I help people the best I can. I’m not perfect I’ve made mistakes that I am not proud of and I’ve done things that I’m not proud of. But I’m a good person and I have a lot to offer. So God please let this happen please? Isn’t it time I be happy? Isn’t it time I know what it’s like to love and be loved in return? And in the end if it doesn’t work out that will also be a lesson too. So God please let me experience this. Please!
Amen
